I have lived at permanent site now for full week and within this short time I have come to understand so much more about the blog entries that I read for six months prior to actually stepping foot on Indonesian soil. I wish I could say that leaving my training village and arriving at my permanent site has been a seamless transition, but alas it has not. It has actually been a million times harder than I anticipated.
I am not sure that I had ever thought too far past PST. Sure there were times during PST where I was excited about what I would do with my students and the ways in which I would approach things differently with my new host family, but as the days towards Swearing In approached I clung to my life in Malang as hard as I could. I made sure that I didn't leave until the last possible moment and I lapped up as much time as I could with other PCTs (now PCVs!!!!) and my host family as possible. In many ways it resembled the days before my departure for PC itself. In both situations I found that although I had been excited about my new home for quite some time, I was very reluctant to leave my old one when the time came.
As I hugged my Malang Ibu goodbye we both started sobbing. I told myself that I would control it once I got into the car with my principle and one of my counterparts. For the most part I was successful with this except when my thoughts drifted back to Giripurno and my Ibu. I had become so comfortable there and we knew what to expect from each other. I really didn't want to leave.
Throughout the day I rode the rollercoaster of emotions (probably the only rollercoaster that I don't enjoy). At some moments I had total control and could even see myself start to like the people I was around and at others there was absolutely nothing I could do to control the tears.
The lowest point was when my principal and his wife were about to leave me with my host family. At that moment all I wanted to do was go into my room and cry. Unfortunately for me, however, they couldn't leave fast enough. Within seconds of this thought popping into my head the tears start pouring. The principal's wife pulled me into my room and immediately started to mop up my tears, literally. She pushed away the tears with the palms of her hands, the way she would do with a 3 year old. I tried to tell them that I was happy to be hear and that I simply missed my Malang family. Although she understood this, I had exposed myself. I know that this sometimes has its values (as one of our staff likes to put it "it shows them you are human"), but this really wasn't the time for it. I needed to be showing that I am a capable adult and loosing control of my emotions within the first hour of being in my new home was not proving this point.
In the days following my first real emotional breakdown in Indonesia, I found myself crying every day. The smallest thoughts would trigger the emotional release. Within a day I was no longer only homesick for Malang, but I was completely questioning my reasons for being her. Everyday I walk out of my bedroom and into a family room filled with four adult siblings, two spouses, two young children and of course the parents that had fostered this close and loving family. Although I didn't admit it to myself right off the bat (or maybe I just couldn't recognize it initially) I was jealous of their proximity to family. They see one another everyday and the sudden realization that I would be missing out on two years of life with my parents, family and friends consumed me.
In this particular situation I was fortunate for two things: 1) that I have battled with my mind on enough occasions to recognize when I need to talk myself down; 2) that I am a bit too prideful. Usually my pride is troublesome and ironically its not something I am proud of. It was proven useful, however, when my instinct was to bolt. It made me think about what others will think about my decision (again not the most mature thought process) and then eventually it led me to wonder what I would eventually think of myself later in life (a tad bit more mature I think). When I realized that I would probably not forgive myself for skipping out on PC without a good reason my ability to talk myself down kicked in.
As much as I would love to be surrounded by family and friends for the next two years, the reality is that my best friends are spread out along the east coast and some are even on the other side of the country.
As much as I miss spending the evenings and weekends with my parents, the reality is that if I had not chosen to go into the PC I would now be living on my own and not in a household similar to the traditional, multigenerational Indo household that I am currently living in. And finally if I were back in the US I would not be missing my family or friends nearly as much (or even at all; sorry I really do love you all) as I do here in Indo. I would probably be continuing my tornado of a lifestyle and wouldn't even have time to think about the fact that I wasn't with the people I loved most in the world everyday. None of these thoughts would have even occurred to me in the US.
So every time I get upset (I just tried to spell that as "ubset" : this is a sign that I am becoming Indonesian because here Bs and Ps are almost indistinguishable) about missing home, I now I have a way of talking myself down. This is good. This whole emotional coaster did lead me to the conclusion, however, that I refuse miss out on my family and friends in a different way than I would have in the US (sorry I know that sentence doesn't make much sense but I couldn't figure out how to word it properly).
I have therefore decided that I will absolutely pay for a decent internet connection. This is something that I was hoping to avoid because it doesn't seem PC. I have been advised by people on staff not to think of purchasing things that would make life a bit easier as "non-PC." They give us this advice when we talk about the fact that we aren't living in mud huts or with limited electricity the way other volunteers around the world are and also when we talk about our reservations about the internet. Well I am choosing to take their advice. PC is not a single experience shared by all volunteers world wide. Everyone has similarities, but even within a single country or city, volunteers have completely different experiences. I am choosing to build new relationships with the people I meet here, but I want to make sure that I have a way to strengthen the relationships I have at home. You know "make new friends, but keep the old."
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